September

Finally got to know that song I've been wanting to find out.

It's how ironic that the title is September, by Earth, Wind & Fire.

& frankly speaking, ihateseptember.

Every year, something horriblyterribly huge happens in this month. In a bad way. In some way I'll never forget. Something or someone important/huge/i treasure disappears.

& of cos, Oktober shines because of gloomyemo September.

Usually.

But I think it's difficult to be happy again. This time round. After all those times.

Maybe I can never get over the fact of losing something. Because it's not worth all that I've sacrificed, all that I've gone through. & it sucks cos I actually only got over last September this year. Honestly, I can't believe I still held some hope all those months. & people who say it shows that the past was meaningful & worthwhile since you cared for so long? It is fucking untrue. 'Cos it's no longer there anymore. Whether the past was meaningful or not. I used to be a believer in living by the moment and being immersed in short-lived happiness. But not anymore.

'Cos memories are haunting. Sekrets of the past will come back and throw you off-guard. & I don't wanna lose anything more in the present due to the past.

home is where the heart is.

hello world.

this is my 56th day in Lund. & today is one of those days I miss everything back there in my sunny island.

a few hours ago i was skyping mummy & bro, planning our italy trip together. i felt happy knowing that i'd be seeing them in 2 month's time! its still quite a long while before that but it'd be something nice to look forward to (:

yesterday i randomly online-texted my happy friend & it feels so good to hear from her. & that she's gonna get ray to sneak us into universal studios when he gets a job there. i love everyone's complaints about the sweltering heat in Singapore because I miss it so much. and the complainee of course (:

im glad everything doesn't seem distant from me, despite the geographical distance apart. i love the constant email threads, the random facebook wall posts and the silly comments on the peektures.

sometimes it still feels a little surreal that im right here, right now. as much as i wished everyone i love would be soaking this all up with me, im glad for all the new-found friendships here! & i know that these people would be a new group of friends that calls for regular meet-ups when we return to our dear sunny island (:

that day, L commented that i seemed like someone who's genuinely contented and satisfied with all that i have. & frankly speaking, i couldn't agree more.

at least for now (:

home of the tetra pak

random peekture that i found of lund. i guess this is the main building for lund university. it's 3 days to BYEBYE sunny island. wish i could say 'ALL MY BAGS ARE PACKED & I'M READY TO GO'. but im far from that. & this whole exchange preparation has reaffirmed everybody's doubts that i would be able to take care of myself in a foreign land. the scare from the very late application of my residence permit. then was the air ticket. & now i realised i didn't apply for mentorship. &&&& ORIENTATION. i must have thought everyone would be automatically in the orientation then so i happily omitted the little box that i had to check. actually i don't remember seeing those boxes at all haha. o yeh & i totally forgot to send the school my indemnity & declaration forms. i thought i used to be blur but not anymore. gw.

YES. eager yet apprehensive. that's what im feeling now. & it's all very exciting cos i got my ideal housing and the others are staying in a far flung corner of lund. manymanymany parties await meeeee. & beer becomes water. booze becomes cola. actually i think i've had learnt my lessons after all the drinking nights so i'll probably be good & be in control.

so it's gonna be a very exciting twenty-ten!

2009 was a good year. i don't know why but despite all the ups & downs i felt that it was one of the best years i've had. i felt closer to all my favourite people (: i played a sport which i still feel like i wanna play it forever. i had reality smacked hard in my face. & i understood people, boys actually, and things that really matter to them. you could say it was life changing. & everything got exciting from then on! haha. it was fun while it lasted. it was time consuming while it went on.

then came HB September. which i probably still can't decide whether it was good or bad. there was canoe polo and there was ssf back then and they were part of my every day. & of cos icriedlikeshit. then oktober was a month of lovin'! much fun & supplieses.

& recently everything is happy & perfect if im not greedy to ask for more. it's because of lund that i appreciate many people & many things more than usual!

so 2010 would be even better. i hope i find my sf hahahahaha.

where is the love

spent many days monitoring funshine's on cafe world.

spent half the afternoon looking at snow boots online.

& YESSS. 9am paper tmr and all will be done. no more nus exam no more freezing MPSH until a year later! okay, im sure the euphoria won't be that great, considering im already on semi holiday after psych paper.

looking at (and ended up buying) those boots made me feel like preparing for lund (: i can finally wear thick, long coats and leather boots, snow boots, furry boots for many many days! it's probably gonna be FREEZING. everybody if i freeze i'll be emo please station on skype in sunny singapore.

i had this sudden thought that TIME is the most powerful thing ever. it can make things happen. it can make things go away. it changed me. and there're regrets that time can make you forget. i guess most people regret not taking that step ahead. but being me and my impulsiveness and mindlessness, i always end up regretting that i had taken that step. BOOOHOOOO.

anyway, can't wait for tmr (:

#177.

EXPECTATIONS.
bring friendships to their graves.

With every step you take, you expect a step to be taken towards you.

And taking the first step doesn't mean doing everything first. (you think competition ah? i neverrrr)

So what is your step forward?
Maybe now to take a step forward means to take a step backwards.
(So now your gonna say your doing that huh)

But letting it rest doesn't mean stop showing concern stop doing this stop doing that.
It means just expecting less, stop tiring yourself over thoughts of this.
Cos your not gonna pretend that he or she doesn't exist. That's beyond you.

hello im actually doing a summary of some wise advice by madame wise the pots :P
im so glad im feeling so much better now.

you know tonight was a night of talking about drifting aparts, doing a B.N and disappearing out of each others lives. ALL the convos. except the one with hot air balloon opearator.

lousy night.

and i can't say im glad i went for trng.
remember i once said that warmth in school is found at the pool?

i take that back.

#168.

hello you. sometimes your so annoying that i get angry.
but of course, the anger dissipated after a while.
then it comes to a point that nothing can move my calm.
ha! mebbe this is called getting used to.
how awesome.
and SUPAAA SADLY, i do not understand you. at all.

hello you. im glad you've been there all these while.
like how a true constant should be.
and of course, YOU'LL BE AWESOME LATER THEY'LL LURRRRRVE YOOOOU.
as much as i do! haha!
i sent the good luck truck back yesterday, im sure it's already in the heart of our CBD area right now. the truck can pass thru walls and people. it's gonna stay with you throughout (:

hello you. i think we're back into the same old phase of 'drifting'. i do not blame you of course. this is how you are. your theories and principles.

hello you. we haven't seen each other in such a long time. despite such close proximity everyday. the only part of you i see is your car in the carpark. but i know your another constant in my life, always there. we'll see each other soon. next week i hope. buried in books and notes in the library with chocolate candies cookies biscuits and lunch at our favourite stall. and yes, this is public declaration for a date miss lim.

hello you. your old and wise and all-knowing. you know me best despite me whining and talking rubbish half the time. you told me sleeping can lose weight. that was so funny. but now cannot sleep luh. later cannot study finish leh! study for now, leave the biggest part of us by itself. it'll come back if everyone wants it to.

hello ME, back to finance!

#153.

here i am in my cosy little penguin igloo, hugging my purple elephant and having pop-pish christmas songs playing on my itunes. i moved the family's favourite adjustable wooden chair into the room and lined it with pillows so im so comfy now i can sleep in the chair tonight (:

this week has been sort of a stay-home week. i think i watched more tv than i've ever did for all the time this year before this week. i am nocturnal funshine on alternate days. but coffee at 9 oclock just now might change that fact.

i dunno why the christmas songs are sounding emo. im definitely not exactly emo. ok fine im emo. and appalled at how much i've changed this year. or rather, surprised at people's perspective of me. i dunno if theirs a changed perepective or it has always been like that. i wonder if i made myself out to be this fun loving, this letsjustplaydontcare mentality, this spontaneous about almost everything. i don't see anything bad about this, or whether im losing myself or changing for the better or the worse cos they don't matter to me. for the zillionth time, i really do not know what i want. but i know what i don't.

it appears that i've always been good at maintaining relationships with people. i believed so but i know i suck more and more at doing so. some people think it's difficult to keep a group of people together. hell no. it's possible. mebbe not easy but definitely not some uphill task. it's whether you want it or not. sometimes we promise to meet up and keep in touch but how often do we keep to those promises? some relationships are circumstantial. we've got to live with that. but not all friendships are like that. i've to admit that i am a terrible friend this year. im lazy. i ask myself why is it always me? why can't he do it? why isn't it her? you, you and you are part of this whole thing too. so i just let it slip by. there are even times when people put in the effort to organise something and i decline the invitation. not so often but it happened. when it never did last time. and i wonder whatever happened to me.

i need alot of MEtime. which i've failed to give myself for years. my days fly by with all my going outs, trng times, long phone calls, msn convos, darling sleeptime and of cos school, which i think i very much neglected until exam time. im glad i put familytime high high up all this while. mebbe except that period of time. my parents were how understanding i realised recently. the many family dinners i missed. they hardly said anything. except when ahma said why haven't i been at dinner for some time. i'll never let this happen again. and part of me cannot forgive myself for that. and perhaps this sets a whole new criteria for the non-existent you (:

fantamazing taiwan on monday. im sorry to say im not exactly very excited. i dunno why. mebbe im just not used to staying at home so much. my parents think it's weird to have me at home so much. my mummy complains that my temper's getting worse and worse and goes into her lecture on is staying at home that frustrating for you. it's not. just leave me to do my things. i sleep, i cook, i eat, i read, i watch. actually recently i've been having minimal communication with people. im really lazy to keep up. im almost giving up. it's gone if you don't try on your part.

#147.

you know how beautiful the day's gonna be the moment you wake up. and im happy the first person i think of is you, then.

now, i don't know how beautiful the day's gonna be before i get out of bed. i like it better now. because the day may just exceed my expectation of my pre-defined beauty (: and i think of many many people i can spend the day with (:
and you, who's reading this right now, you're one of the many many people (:

"what will become of us"
im glad it was nothing. and im happy for what came right after that. because i got the indication that i've grown up! finally (:

and if i told you that all my feelings are merely just decisions - trust me, they are.
i just haven't met someone or encountered something which can let me forget about using my brain and dispose of my rationality, logic and sensibility.

cheers to more surprises on more tomorrows (:

#142.

one year ago.
mistake made.

a year later there comes the opportunity for the same mistake again.

being overly cautious is tearing me apart. but that shall be it. even if it rips me apart, i dont wanna commit the same mistake again.

because something else is always more valuable than the short lived thrill and excitement.

i've got to remember that.
your more important than that.

#139.

it is 4:20am in the morning. i can't remember what time i fell asleep but school has been so damn taxing. doesn't help that im giving tuition 4 times a week. but i really like my korean kid. he's such a good boy! and i'd always thought i can never tutor kids given my impatience. but well, i guess we, the kids and i, share many things in common. hahaha.

so, its 4:23am now. i opened the tub of cookie dough B&J's to see only 1/10th of it left. without a single glob of cookie dough ): reminded me of ben & jerry's chunk spelunker. people who tunnel thru their favourite flavours to dig up the chunks. haha which is what i love to do. which everyone in my family hates unless the flavour is chubby hubby and i wont bother digging cos the chunks are so filled with eew peanut butter eww.

and thinking of chunk spelunker reminded me of someone's text a few months ago. the text was just 'chunk spelunker :P' B&J's had it on their serviettes all along and i can't believe i didn't notice till i got that text, and then a reply with the meaning. this is how some things just make you think of someone. how the person thought of me when he read the words on the serviette. and how opening the 1/10th tub of cookie dough finding no globs of dough to my dismay reminded me of that text.

pb says texting is taxing. you can't be constantly texting more than one person thruout the day. i chose not to believe cos i dont wanna make myself think it's exclusive.

but sometimes, even if you do not have anything substantial to say, or even if you have absolutely nothing to say, you just need to text. that someone? im like that. i forgot since when but there's always someone there. and this person comes and goes. though i really hope it can be the same one always. but they like to come and go. so i don't have much of a choice or do i? its the reliance, its the attention. its just nice to know there's someone there.

okae and then today i accidentally got to know something which made me a little upset. considering how much we communicate, i can be angry? haha alrights. but i've no time or energy to feel angry cos jap is driving me nuts. but im done with hiragana (: anyway, mebbe i should really stop talking on impulse and start saying things only when i mean it.

its 4:44am. i should really get back to the tutorial.

#134.

never should have chosen to be happy; never should have.

that is, if we were even happy.

to tell the truth, i liked our status. unofficial. no expectations. i have someone to think about, to worry about and to text whenever i need to. and someone to spoil me, you know, making me the centre of attention. these weren't expectations. they came naturally and you know it. you say nice-ness is a bonus for friends. i agree. that's why i liked how we were. no obligations.

we were happy.

but obviously i know we were simply delaying something which was inevitable.

because we were happy, comfortably happy, i chose to delay. of cos you didn't know i felt that way. and i didn't know how much harm this delay would cause. but it has to come one day.

i think we got sick of each other. gradually. we weren't so happy anymore.

i mean, friends don't see each other that often. that's why there is something known as Friends Forever.

how can we ever be Friends Forever when we see each other at least five times a week. when we're... well, just friends.

so came the inevitable. i still can't figure who got sick of who first. or perhaps we both felt tired. on my part, it might be the expectations surfacing. when i knew i had expectations, i also figured it was time to let things go. firstly cos friends shouldn't have too much of those. secondly and most importantly, you were fucking afraid of expectations.

have you heard of No Friends After Breakup? see, we were never really friends. its amazing how things progressed after It. and i wonder if you actually believed it might work. i never did. but i was happy and comfortable with you around. so i thought why not.

but i was right all along, wasn't i?

we = NO CONCLUSION.

and we never will have.

cos you don't want one.

and you've got to wake up from the past. and stop thinking too much about the future. WHERE'S THE PRESENT?

see, we're so different. i'm such a live by the moment kind of person. again, it's amazing how we could spend so much happy comfortable times together.

i hate how you're linked to my most favourite thing on earth now. but i still wish you could be there for us. for professional reasons of course.

on the personal basis, unless a miracle happens, we'll never be the same again. ever. cos you knew i would only say Sorry if i really meant it. so you should never have said I Love You if you didn't mean it.

and of course, stop saying that you meant it at that moment.

come on, i've got too many fleeting moments in my life. i believe i know how such moments are like. don't even try to defend.

yup, and this is how i got over the whole damn thing.

feeling angry.

feel that there's no fucking worth in even saving the friendship cos you don't seem to care at all.

good job funshine.

and i could only leave funshine with you. like really leave it with you.

#132.

i may not know what i want.

but i know what i don't.

#127.

that day in the cinema,
alex: haha as if you'll be led on like that.
me: yea of course not.

but after that, i mentally went thru our convo again, mebbe i shouldnt have answered him that quickly. but okay, i know why he actually said that cos i've always been the clear headed one. who can go into something and get out of it fast enough without getting myself too involved and affected and much less, get hurt. and frankly, i've always thought that i was this sort of person.

because afterall, i decide who i want to be.

anyway, im glad we had that convo. even though it meant seemingly nothing but at least it reminded me that i might have failed being the person i wanna be. failure to a small extent.

and alright, im semi being sucked in again. if you get what i mean. but at the same time, there's someone pulling me back. its not a very direct pull but i guess the pull has always been there. all along. im not sure if it means anything. but anyhows. i insist that i like all the grey areas in my life, still (: just like before.

and im also glad that i was reminded of all the terrible days. i dunno why but i tend to usually think of the happier happenings. so its good to have something to trigger those bad thoughts once in a while. keeps you sane you know. you cant be happy all the time.

im so tired. canoe polo is finally getting to me. the commitment thing. its because im so ill-disciplined you see. and bestest just reminded me that uni is seriously the all-that-counts factor. and the previous week was disgusting cos i had so little sleep, merely because of a day's worth of tutorials. and when i have the luxury of time to sleep, i dont enjoy it. damn.

and today i was reminded that our first competition will stretch right to the start of exams. so if my not-very-impressive cap drops further i'll have no excuse to train so often anymore. so if there's no cap of 4.0 then i cant use the excuse that polo isnt affecting my studies anymore.

on a random note, i wanna watch maroon 5 in concert!