Stereolove

Have been missing from blogosphere. Cos I now have a Tumblr! Was telling J that everyone who Tumblr sounds emo. Well, not me. I'm pretty sure I'm more emo here. And it'll stay this way I suppose. Too many memories & lost feelings here.

I'm pretty much an alcoholic, by any measurement or comparison. Abstinence for 1 week 4 days has rendered me pretty desperate. Thus, I have a 9/10-drunk bottle of Hoegarden beside the laptop right now. I won't usually drink especially if I've a deadline tomorrow.

Chingay was a bitch. I dislike my CP project. It's a management disaster. Period. But I believe this shit has done me some good. At least now I know that the real world sucks.

It's Valentine's Day tomorrow! It's interesting to think how my Valentine's Day each year has evolved over the years, since secondary school days. I've no time to think about this aspect of life right now, not because I'm not in the mood (like J), but because I've a different focus in life HAHA. I'm dead serious. HAHAHAHA. Cos I frigging need to find an awesome job. That I'll fall head over heels and be in love with it for the longest time to earn truckloads of money to satisfy all my materialistic wants and continue travelling the world.

WHO'STHAT?

cos you're like the fair sky on a cloudless day,

& i'm like the thunderstorm & sweltering heat.

September

Finally got to know that song I've been wanting to find out.

It's how ironic that the title is September, by Earth, Wind & Fire.

& frankly speaking, ihateseptember.

Every year, something horriblyterribly huge happens in this month. In a bad way. In some way I'll never forget. Something or someone important/huge/i treasure disappears.

& of cos, Oktober shines because of gloomyemo September.

Usually.

But I think it's difficult to be happy again. This time round. After all those times.

Maybe I can never get over the fact of losing something. Because it's not worth all that I've sacrificed, all that I've gone through. & it sucks cos I actually only got over last September this year. Honestly, I can't believe I still held some hope all those months. & people who say it shows that the past was meaningful & worthwhile since you cared for so long? It is fucking untrue. 'Cos it's no longer there anymore. Whether the past was meaningful or not. I used to be a believer in living by the moment and being immersed in short-lived happiness. But not anymore.

'Cos memories are haunting. Sekrets of the past will come back and throw you off-guard. & I don't wanna lose anything more in the present due to the past.

cooking turkeys

hello i miss you.

everything in school is gonna end in less than a week. then comes preparation for lund. haha im so afraid of uncertainties and having no one i can fall back on.

psych paper wasn't too bad. & because of the apprentice programme i started psych really early and i hope it pays off. haha i hope i really did 'study harder' like what i've always been told. i don't know why i never put in 100%. might be laziness, might be cos i don't think doing well is all that important anyway. but this whole experience made me realise the kind of drive i could have. apprentice programme was fun. i guess it got me to think about my future a little more. and the people i met them were quite amazing. be it my fellow apprentice or the audi toshiba stanchart people who came to speak to us. never restrict yourself in your career paths. i hope my future is going to be as exciting as i am as i imagined (:

im not emo haha

“But don’t you think”, I persist, “that it’s better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?”

— Clare Abshire, The Time Traveler’s Wife

an amazing book and a quite awesome movie. and the line reminded me of a phone conversation, something which i so dearly miss. i wonder if this period of latency can bring back a particular period of time when i enjoyed most. when everything was as good as i could've imagined. & we could sit and talk and laugh. about our future, our hopes and fears and our dreams. of random family happenings and squabbles. gossip of every sort. talking about our own friends and their problems. raising our voices a little whenever we disagreed. laughing at our silly persistence over the same old thing over and over again. and your listening because i needed someone to. your story telling, also because i wanted you to. simply because i was bored and felt that i had been talking non-stop. that's also because i wanted to talk myself. being me i never hesitated to speak my mind. and also to think before i spoke. it's a blessing that you also hardly hesitated to agree to my mindless, random and sometimes, out of the mind requests. and the one memorable time just being there was more than enough. because you didn't ask, you didn't probe but you were just there made so much of a difference cos that was all i needed then. & of cos lovers break up and friends drift apart, i believe we'll achieve our hopes and dreams and ambitions and overcome obstacles because we want it enough to do it.

transient

the most heartwarming things come from the simplest words.

recently i realised it's not easy to maintain friendships.

friendships which over time, meant a lot to me.

mebbe i should just be contented with whatever i have.

i don't know if i've tried hard enough, but i've tried. and i stopped.

it's the change in intensity that makes the difference. there are people i talk to often, but not everyday. somehow you never felt that those friendships ever change.

reality sucks. and indeed, the heart soon forgets what the eye sees not.

and may the unhealthy reliance be gone for good.

cooler than the flip side of my pillow

i can't wait for tmr it's one of the rare times in recent days that i can truly say TGIF! goodness. the past few weeks have been crazily overwhelming with work, setbacks, emotions and everything. after i submit my psych term paper tonight i can be truly unburdened! at least for awhile. and of course an awesome oktober :DDD

mebbe i should make a mental note and remind everyone to remind me that i shouldn't see alcohol during any of the celebrations. haha no more out-of-control moments for me cos ssf's not around anymore. or mebbe it works the other way round cos i wouldn't be troubling anyone anymore.

im catching cloudy with a chance of meatballs tmr with lexy and simmy. HAHAHA. in 3D!! im so excited. and the 3D ticket cost freaking 13 dollars. i know boys hate spending so much on watching CARTOONS. and jimmy too, i know you know you'll watch it if you didnt have handball right *BIG SMILE FOR YOU (=* cloudy's gonna be more than awesome if they can rain me globs of cookie dough!

im turning 21 soon. i used to think there isn't much in my life that i would change if i could. but after an unexpected session with a random school person kinda made me change my mind. i wanna change alot of things which is biz school related. really. like being more involved with the things and people in biz.

lund is 3 months away. that's really soon. there's just so much to do. im glad the lund people are all so on the ball cos they send me textes to ask me about housing, flights and stuff. im such a slug when it comes to all these admin stuff. and mummy keeps saying i should've gone on exchange this sem. "see la, all your hc friends are there right now. if you go your can fly around and visit each other. so fun." yesyes i know. and i know her point is that i made sacrifices because of canoe polo which she thinks aren't worth it.

despite the heartbreak, cp is probably the best thing that happened to me in university. so its worthy of everything.

AGM next tuesday. im gonna bring popcorn seeds to the conference room and see if we can pop the popcorn using the radiation from our handphones.

:@

haha you see, we're all worried.
whether you're drunk or sober, you still make us worry.

im so troublesome! thank you everybody, who have been troublesomed by me in one way or another. and i never learn. thank goodness there're always people around me to prevent my out-of-control moments.

no more inbox full of _____ :@
:@ is like you stuff a lollipop stuck in the mouth. cannot talk. confirm angry.
then must wait for it to melt. waste time and feel gw. confirm very angry.

#188.

#177.

EXPECTATIONS.
bring friendships to their graves.

With every step you take, you expect a step to be taken towards you.

And taking the first step doesn't mean doing everything first. (you think competition ah? i neverrrr)

So what is your step forward?
Maybe now to take a step forward means to take a step backwards.
(So now your gonna say your doing that huh)

But letting it rest doesn't mean stop showing concern stop doing this stop doing that.
It means just expecting less, stop tiring yourself over thoughts of this.
Cos your not gonna pretend that he or she doesn't exist. That's beyond you.

hello im actually doing a summary of some wise advice by madame wise the pots :P
im so glad im feeling so much better now.

you know tonight was a night of talking about drifting aparts, doing a B.N and disappearing out of each others lives. ALL the convos. except the one with hot air balloon opearator.

lousy night.

and i can't say im glad i went for trng.
remember i once said that warmth in school is found at the pool?

i take that back.

#174.

your very tired.
you should go to sleep!
fasterrrrrrr.


funshine,
be fine.

#168.

hello you. sometimes your so annoying that i get angry.
but of course, the anger dissipated after a while.
then it comes to a point that nothing can move my calm.
ha! mebbe this is called getting used to.
how awesome.
and SUPAAA SADLY, i do not understand you. at all.

hello you. im glad you've been there all these while.
like how a true constant should be.
and of course, YOU'LL BE AWESOME LATER THEY'LL LURRRRRVE YOOOOU.
as much as i do! haha!
i sent the good luck truck back yesterday, im sure it's already in the heart of our CBD area right now. the truck can pass thru walls and people. it's gonna stay with you throughout (:

hello you. i think we're back into the same old phase of 'drifting'. i do not blame you of course. this is how you are. your theories and principles.

hello you. we haven't seen each other in such a long time. despite such close proximity everyday. the only part of you i see is your car in the carpark. but i know your another constant in my life, always there. we'll see each other soon. next week i hope. buried in books and notes in the library with chocolate candies cookies biscuits and lunch at our favourite stall. and yes, this is public declaration for a date miss lim.

hello you. your old and wise and all-knowing. you know me best despite me whining and talking rubbish half the time. you told me sleeping can lose weight. that was so funny. but now cannot sleep luh. later cannot study finish leh! study for now, leave the biggest part of us by itself. it'll come back if everyone wants it to.

hello ME, back to finance!

#162.

dear diary,

affection comes from within.
you need to feel something, before you can even sound affectionate.
right?

if 'the heart soon forgets what the eyes sees not' is true,
hello anomaly, your here.

it's so special that sometimes i think i'm vulnerable.

and i always have been. i love to put myself in situations like these.

and i've an insane ability to recover in no time if it's gone. or if i want it to be away.

i'm SUPERfunshine.

#153.

here i am in my cosy little penguin igloo, hugging my purple elephant and having pop-pish christmas songs playing on my itunes. i moved the family's favourite adjustable wooden chair into the room and lined it with pillows so im so comfy now i can sleep in the chair tonight (:

this week has been sort of a stay-home week. i think i watched more tv than i've ever did for all the time this year before this week. i am nocturnal funshine on alternate days. but coffee at 9 oclock just now might change that fact.

i dunno why the christmas songs are sounding emo. im definitely not exactly emo. ok fine im emo. and appalled at how much i've changed this year. or rather, surprised at people's perspective of me. i dunno if theirs a changed perepective or it has always been like that. i wonder if i made myself out to be this fun loving, this letsjustplaydontcare mentality, this spontaneous about almost everything. i don't see anything bad about this, or whether im losing myself or changing for the better or the worse cos they don't matter to me. for the zillionth time, i really do not know what i want. but i know what i don't.

it appears that i've always been good at maintaining relationships with people. i believed so but i know i suck more and more at doing so. some people think it's difficult to keep a group of people together. hell no. it's possible. mebbe not easy but definitely not some uphill task. it's whether you want it or not. sometimes we promise to meet up and keep in touch but how often do we keep to those promises? some relationships are circumstantial. we've got to live with that. but not all friendships are like that. i've to admit that i am a terrible friend this year. im lazy. i ask myself why is it always me? why can't he do it? why isn't it her? you, you and you are part of this whole thing too. so i just let it slip by. there are even times when people put in the effort to organise something and i decline the invitation. not so often but it happened. when it never did last time. and i wonder whatever happened to me.

i need alot of MEtime. which i've failed to give myself for years. my days fly by with all my going outs, trng times, long phone calls, msn convos, darling sleeptime and of cos school, which i think i very much neglected until exam time. im glad i put familytime high high up all this while. mebbe except that period of time. my parents were how understanding i realised recently. the many family dinners i missed. they hardly said anything. except when ahma said why haven't i been at dinner for some time. i'll never let this happen again. and part of me cannot forgive myself for that. and perhaps this sets a whole new criteria for the non-existent you (:

fantamazing taiwan on monday. im sorry to say im not exactly very excited. i dunno why. mebbe im just not used to staying at home so much. my parents think it's weird to have me at home so much. my mummy complains that my temper's getting worse and worse and goes into her lecture on is staying at home that frustrating for you. it's not. just leave me to do my things. i sleep, i cook, i eat, i read, i watch. actually recently i've been having minimal communication with people. im really lazy to keep up. im almost giving up. it's gone if you don't try on your part.

#147.

you know how beautiful the day's gonna be the moment you wake up. and im happy the first person i think of is you, then.

now, i don't know how beautiful the day's gonna be before i get out of bed. i like it better now. because the day may just exceed my expectation of my pre-defined beauty (: and i think of many many people i can spend the day with (:
and you, who's reading this right now, you're one of the many many people (:

"what will become of us"
im glad it was nothing. and im happy for what came right after that. because i got the indication that i've grown up! finally (:

and if i told you that all my feelings are merely just decisions - trust me, they are.
i just haven't met someone or encountered something which can let me forget about using my brain and dispose of my rationality, logic and sensibility.

cheers to more surprises on more tomorrows (:

#144.

when there are people like angels (read: ワン　ジョ) in your life,



(:


a smiley speaks a thousand words!


and i promise to get rid of my bad habit, my unhealthy reliance.
and mebbe i owe some kind of apology.

#142.

one year ago.
mistake made.

a year later there comes the opportunity for the same mistake again.

being overly cautious is tearing me apart. but that shall be it. even if it rips me apart, i dont wanna commit the same mistake again.

because something else is always more valuable than the short lived thrill and excitement.

i've got to remember that.
your more important than that.

#141.

hello you.
it has been a year. i hope you're well and good.

and hello another you,
is this a quick ending to a no beginning.

#139.

it is 4:20am in the morning. i can't remember what time i fell asleep but school has been so damn taxing. doesn't help that im giving tuition 4 times a week. but i really like my korean kid. he's such a good boy! and i'd always thought i can never tutor kids given my impatience. but well, i guess we, the kids and i, share many things in common. hahaha.

so, its 4:23am now. i opened the tub of cookie dough B&J's to see only 1/10th of it left. without a single glob of cookie dough ): reminded me of ben & jerry's chunk spelunker. people who tunnel thru their favourite flavours to dig up the chunks. haha which is what i love to do. which everyone in my family hates unless the flavour is chubby hubby and i wont bother digging cos the chunks are so filled with eew peanut butter eww.

and thinking of chunk spelunker reminded me of someone's text a few months ago. the text was just 'chunk spelunker :P' B&J's had it on their serviettes all along and i can't believe i didn't notice till i got that text, and then a reply with the meaning. this is how some things just make you think of someone. how the person thought of me when he read the words on the serviette. and how opening the 1/10th tub of cookie dough finding no globs of dough to my dismay reminded me of that text.

pb says texting is taxing. you can't be constantly texting more than one person thruout the day. i chose not to believe cos i dont wanna make myself think it's exclusive.

but sometimes, even if you do not have anything substantial to say, or even if you have absolutely nothing to say, you just need to text. that someone? im like that. i forgot since when but there's always someone there. and this person comes and goes. though i really hope it can be the same one always. but they like to come and go. so i don't have much of a choice or do i? its the reliance, its the attention. its just nice to know there's someone there.

okae and then today i accidentally got to know something which made me a little upset. considering how much we communicate, i can be angry? haha alrights. but i've no time or energy to feel angry cos jap is driving me nuts. but im done with hiragana (: anyway, mebbe i should really stop talking on impulse and start saying things only when i mean it.

its 4:44am. i should really get back to the tutorial.

#138.

sometimes i like how everything just happens at the same time, or one after another and overwhelm me.

before embarking on the genting trip, i had a huge quarrel with my parents. because i didnt ask for their permission before confirming the trip. i've got to admit im in the wrong but she didnt have to go so far in her reprimanding. and obviously i got my way. i always do. sometimes im sick of always getting my way, getting what i want.

and during the quarrel i actually threw back all my credit cards at the mummy. almost threw the handphone cos of her constant nagging about my spending habits, the handphone bills, skipping work, going out etc etc. I AM SO SICK OF THE SAME OLD THINGS. say something new. you know i can't change. i've been like this for the longest time you've known me, papa has known me. but alright, sometimes i should stop being a spoilt brat.

i had a blast at genting with 9P (: despite falling sick on the second day. the company was superb. i think that's why we're so awake when we're back at the hotel room rather than when we're out there walking :P 9P <3

and i feel blessed. with everything i have right now. remember the chapter many of your hate? its closed now. closed for good (: mylove says im happier. i think i am. bestest says i need to get used to the space. but i thought, there was never the space. i've been busy all the while. it was always who and what i chose to be busy with. and really, no one can tell you if you've grown up. you know it yourself.

and when i came back from genting, i caught the freaking stomach flu. OMG. i didnt know stomach flu can be so bad, so painful. i was rolling in bed for the longest time i can ever remember cos i didnt dare tell mummy and papa. i thought i was going to be alright after the first time i puked. but it didn't stop. i vomitted i diarrhoea-ed thru the night. the night before training camp. so i didn't sleep a wink. and i rolled in bed in pain when i wasnt in the toilet vomitting and diarrhoea-ing till 5am when i really couldn't take it anymore. woke my parents up and mummy thought it was gastric and made me drink milk. sometimes i think mummy is such a noob at such stuff hahahaha. and of cos as noob as her, i drank the milk and made all the vomitting start again. went to the hospital and i was too scared so i didnt want to take the jab to stop the pain. but the pills didnt help so i took the jab in the end. SO RELIEVED :)

as a result, i missed training camp ): only joined them on saturday night and the friendlies on sunday. i sucked on tuesday seriously. so easily tired and panting like hell. damnnn. and i kept ZERO goals. im so damn serious. but okay, yesterday was better (: nat champs are cominggggg. go nus go crooks ((((:

im so angry that red cliff ended halfway. BOOO. when's the next one coming out! so gaowei to watch halfway ): i watched mostly cos of tony leung! heehee. anyway mummy says he's finally getting married with carina lau. like really FINALLY. i like them tgt heehee. and i bought a gold watch when i was out with zp on weds for red cliff. mylove says WHY SO UNCLE. hey its vintage alright. hahaha.

and i bought a scarf too :DD when i was out with jas yesterday. met db during her lunch hour at v8. then shopped around and we had marvelous cream together (: the idea of marvelous cream is more marvelous than the ice cream itself. hahaha. i think i've been having too much diary products since i recovered. dragged mummy to royal copahagen for cheesecake on monday. where i bumped into ki jason jas and bf! then there was the jumbo tub of yoghurt with zp on weds and marvelous cream on thurs. sweet for my sweets :D

oh and dearest jaskip bought me my current addiction. MEN'S POCKY :) bitter chocolate rocks. but i dont get why they have to associate men with it. i bet they'll make some pinko strawberry pocky and call it Ladies' Pocky or something.
alrights, this is bloody long. cos i wanna keep myself busy, be good and not go out for the first day this week. hahaha today's friday omg i know im a horrible kid oh well. so that i can ask about the bangkok trip hahaha. that's why they say everything happens for a reason.

heehee.