so this is goodbye

jandaman left for exciting oregon this morning. next week audreychai would be heading to freezing calgary. and soon, i'll be off to lund. i dont know why im not half as excited as the people who're flying. but im pretty much looking forward to everything there.

im gonna travel everywhere with everybody from everywhere (: i hope there's time for everyone & everything we talked about!

okay right now i just wanna recover fast from my flu & sore throat & dizziness for the many days of mayhem before i leave.

good night sleep good.

cooler than the flip side of my pillow

i can't wait for tmr it's one of the rare times in recent days that i can truly say TGIF! goodness. the past few weeks have been crazily overwhelming with work, setbacks, emotions and everything. after i submit my psych term paper tonight i can be truly unburdened! at least for awhile. and of course an awesome oktober :DDD

mebbe i should make a mental note and remind everyone to remind me that i shouldn't see alcohol during any of the celebrations. haha no more out-of-control moments for me cos ssf's not around anymore. or mebbe it works the other way round cos i wouldn't be troubling anyone anymore.

im catching cloudy with a chance of meatballs tmr with lexy and simmy. HAHAHA. in 3D!! im so excited. and the 3D ticket cost freaking 13 dollars. i know boys hate spending so much on watching CARTOONS. and jimmy too, i know you know you'll watch it if you didnt have handball right *BIG SMILE FOR YOU (=* cloudy's gonna be more than awesome if they can rain me globs of cookie dough!

im turning 21 soon. i used to think there isn't much in my life that i would change if i could. but after an unexpected session with a random school person kinda made me change my mind. i wanna change alot of things which is biz school related. really. like being more involved with the things and people in biz.

lund is 3 months away. that's really soon. there's just so much to do. im glad the lund people are all so on the ball cos they send me textes to ask me about housing, flights and stuff. im such a slug when it comes to all these admin stuff. and mummy keeps saying i should've gone on exchange this sem. "see la, all your hc friends are there right now. if you go your can fly around and visit each other. so fun." yesyes i know. and i know her point is that i made sacrifices because of canoe polo which she thinks aren't worth it.

despite the heartbreak, cp is probably the best thing that happened to me in university. so its worthy of everything.

AGM next tuesday. im gonna bring popcorn seeds to the conference room and see if we can pop the popcorn using the radiation from our handphones.

psych up

strength of your desire
size of your dreams
& how you handle disappointments along the way

#193.
win lose or draw!

30 June 2009
5:20pm
H1N1 scare. luckily trng camp resumed at night. we finally played games after so long. although we're all rusty but somehow i think we managed to do ok thanks to experience perhaps. and high spirits definitely. i'll find my keeping back. but all the flanking and playing in the zone during attack is too exciting for me. MQMQ black crooks (: i love how shuwen lets us do free play now. and how she prefers not shouting during games. O and the snacks she brought was awesome hahaha.

win, lose or draw is TONS FUN!!! :D look at how high siddy is in the picture you'll know. siddy is how calm and cool please hahaha.

poker into the night. instead of chips, we used LAPS. nice. now i owe 100 laps of paddling. hahaha goodness.

pottie was my roomie for 3 nights. it's like the wise grandma and the hopeless kid. cos i didnt even offer her the bed for any of the nights. hahaha bad funshine!

it's july already. one month or so before school starts. two months or so to nat champs. and then goodbye canoe polo.

somehow i feel like i achieved a new kind of emotional equilibrium. suddenly, i feel very contented with everything.

#167.

so what if we're only a second year team.
don't doubt what we achieved last year when what we had was seventy percent first year noobs.
im sure we played like noobs, jittery and whatnot. but in circumstances we performed.
to much relief.

we said we'll change the color of the medal.
im not having self doubts. im just not too sure what we are right now.
if we're fighting, who're we fighting for?
you don't fight for yourself, you don't fight thinking that the rest are not fighting.
you fight because there's worth in fighting for everyone.

we started out playing with passion, frustration and what's important was we never blamed one another. never.
now we play thinking that we should win, we can win. but we don't care for one another anymore. the encouragement don't sound genuine. you see a tiang at an open goal. we used to shout GOOD TRY NVM LET'S GO BACK. now you see a tiang at an open goal you go AIYO as you turn or as you watch at the subline.
how many times have we gotten out of a game feeling happy and felt it was worth its while. mnay times we got out, feeling more frustrated than ever with one another, with ourselves. i don't feel like i've given up. mentally, physically. but more like my heart has given up.

we're not the same as before. we will never be. it may still work out in some way. i think this is a good break for all of us.

#163.

at the starting line,
in our boats, paddles in hands, helmets on, waiting for the whistle to sound and pottie to go for first ball,

manly: ehhhh, nice song leh!

trashy tune blasting from the stands

funshine: wah aye serious, concentrate okay!

later on, it was said that pb was dancing to the music at the starting line as well.

and yes, more canoe polo this weekend.
but exam in the morning ):
it's gonna be one hell of an exciting saturday :D

you spin my head right round right round
when you do downnnnn, when you go down down
manly i'll sing this for you if they don't blast music this weekend (:

#160.

ready

get set

GO.

it'll be tons wonderful if your can be there for meeeeee.

(:

and so, the end of sem battle begins. with deadlines for almost every single module.
and the final exam for marketing right smack in the midst of a competition saturday.
yeh plus competition is comingggg.
more friendlies, lorries, mudboy driver and girlfriend, polo balls, paddles, life vests and vampires!
and yes la, smack all the stupid balls away from MY beloved goal post.
and whack all the clever balls all hard and mighty into YOUR goal post.

time to nap!

#158.

recess week is almost over and i think i spent the week feeling bored, despite having many many things to do. bestest says i do not know how to deal with free time and mebbe that's true.

yesterday two of my favourite people texted me goodnight but i fell asleep feeling quite sad.

playing canoe polo is like smoking. and black crooks is the cigarette. but it's diminishing.

a constant will always be a constant like what the term means, regardless of where, when and what.

not purposely means naturally.

i like things round and fat and their names all happen to begin with the letter P. penguins, pooh and purple elephants.

nus is the coldest school ever, cos i stopped forging good friendships. i'm contented with what i already have. warmth in school is found at the pool.

this is random but not emo, and i love status quos =)

#152.

last sunday was a full black crooks trng before the break for exams. and it was super fun :D not so much of what we did. but cos all of us were there on a beautiful sunday morning (: and we played a full game. black crooks vs. black crooks 5 on 5! haha it was the first time we played against each other so cool hahaha. black crooks for lifeeee~

mugging at home has been the worst thing ever. i sleep like a log. and i sleep like a log more often than a pig. so off to science library on monday and tuesday. and it wasn't a pb-planned canoe polo study day but 7 crooks kinda just 不约而同! hahaha jan's favourite cheng yu. so we all happened to be at science library. and it's good cos i don't fall asleep there. but what's not good is that i like to freeze like a penguin in the igloo ( i know igloos belong to the eskimos but i just like the idea) and the twix and all the rubbish snacks isn't gonna cure my horrible phlegmy cough. and yes i've decided not to be stubborn and start eating medicine and drinking liang cha cos this half sick feeling is getting no fun. and many sorries to mummy who has been scolding nagging for me to eat medicine.

and my bestest is in europe and i missed him online yesterday but his long email kept me quite entertained this morning. haha first day overseas syndrome! i wanna be there too especially with the terrible studying here sigh. nvm gonna be over soon. means fantamazing soon (:

and this exams. very scary. very very. i've never skipped so many classes before. so revision is such a long and arduous journey. lots of good lucks have funs for funshine please.

time to hit the sacks.
wake early don't snooze and snooze promise.

#150.

cp can up my mood index alot. quite alot actually.
and it's not bad. this is healthy emotional attachment.

jap oral exam today. my partner's the tall-as-the-door guy in class who can make the whole lecture theatre laugh. he's really funny. and really tall like SUPPPPERRR takai desu yo. the oral was so chopchop finish (: it was fun more than anything else.

then wj, jacq and i had our weekly thursday talking session before finance tutorial. despite always having time to do the tutorial or study for the quiz, we end up talking and laughing and talking about random stuff (: (:

jan came for my finance tutorial today! and cos i didn't save a seat for her, we were having this page long paper convo we passed to and fro during the tutorial cos we weren't sitting together. actually i think this is the most we've ever talked within an hour. hahaha my open crush what!

niang debre newlove sandra and i had a nice joglaughgossip run to clementi and back. i think running on the narrow thing on the highway feels pretty funny. the other time i ran with debre that thing looked never ending and we thought we were lost! .... on the highway. hahahaha.

newlove's back at trng (: faster faster blackcrooks. everyone come back! i think you can't remove cp from funshine or funshine from cp. or blackcrooks from funshine. or funshine from blackcrooks.

31 days to the fantamazing holiday :D

#146.

i wanted something.
then i realise i don't really want it that much.
so i decide to not want it at all.

actually maybe not!

i may not know what i want, but i know what i don't.

so it's still confusing cos i only know what i don't want.

HAHAHA but yes, i want mr t.nvd.w.c.s.b. that's for sure :DDD
but im glad he's non-existent at the moment.

no canoe polo for almost a month now. and somehow, everything just changed. everything feels different. hello black crooks, what happened to us?

i hate emotional attachments. so before they happen, i know i've got to push them all away. throw you out of the window, the window~~

before i become a twenteen, i wish to be happier!
after im a twenteen, everyday should be filled with heehees, hahas and yays :D

#145.


and so, three weekends at the swimming pool at ccab.
lots of eye candying (heehee ah ma :P)
and i finally finally found a GUY who i think is good looking in the canoe polo scene. first ever guy! hahaha. how come i had never noticed till now. shows that i live up to the name of being a Black Crook ar.

bronze for ivp. after the many scares from uncle that we might get last cos the team is 70% juniors. im happy we attained our goal. though im sure we could've done more during the silver medal match. thank you uncle and the team for trusting me. to play and to keep. im damn scared before every ivp game. i hope i didn't show. except when it was the bronze medal match. my nerves seriously got the better of me :X and i hope we didn't let steph and mandycandy down. and xinrong too. thank you for covering so much for us during the games. really really. i wished i had their composure. but i've learnt! it's gonna be better during the next srrr (: i promise.

i think about this so often and finally, there's black crooks' first official victory. one nil up. last 1 min and 38 secs. 4 VS. 5. and when the final whistle blew, it was the first time i realised i wanted something this much. i was supposed to feel happy but the tears just came. thank goodness for the helmet hahaha. and i really hope there are more of such victories to come. but there's so so so much to be done.

and audthepot my dear ah ma. i know i can always go to you when i think my keeping sucks, when im damn slow, when funshine feels there's something wrong! and i always hear your voice during games. always scream funshineeee yeh (:

and you, who is still there whenever i feel like talking to you about cp.

and texts of encouragement from many many people. plus wanjou, kang, happyfriend, jas, tofu and zp who came down to watch.

it's the recess week now! lots of projects to do, lots of work and sleep to catch up on. and i really need to stop skipping class. let me have the drive to study for mid terms pleaseeee. and the mental to block something out. yup yup, yingxia will learn from her many lessons and be independent (:

and to those who got them, sorry for the many "i'm busy"s and "i'm sleepy"s. i have time to breathe already ((((:

black crooks ((((:

new love (: this is forrrrr youuuuu.

#143.

see, it's not exclusive.

it's not even priority.

snap out of it. not happy then go and sleep lor.

******* ******** ******** ******* *******

this weekend is the last two days of nat champs.
over the past 2 weekends, i've gotten my clean sheet. finally.

2 clean sheets. the first offical blackcrooks victory. and despite all the ups and downs, we're 3rd after the round robin round for ivp. and it's all out for the semis on saturday.

no matter how much it takes,

#140.


teamNUS.


♥ BLACK CROOKS.




we can paddle we can dribble we can drive we can shoot we can roll we can block we can keep.

we believe.

so let our paddles do the talking;
let our boats do the talking.

let US do the talking.



LOL (:



*LOL = Lots Of Love

#138.

sometimes i like how everything just happens at the same time, or one after another and overwhelm me.

before embarking on the genting trip, i had a huge quarrel with my parents. because i didnt ask for their permission before confirming the trip. i've got to admit im in the wrong but she didnt have to go so far in her reprimanding. and obviously i got my way. i always do. sometimes im sick of always getting my way, getting what i want.

and during the quarrel i actually threw back all my credit cards at the mummy. almost threw the handphone cos of her constant nagging about my spending habits, the handphone bills, skipping work, going out etc etc. I AM SO SICK OF THE SAME OLD THINGS. say something new. you know i can't change. i've been like this for the longest time you've known me, papa has known me. but alright, sometimes i should stop being a spoilt brat.

i had a blast at genting with 9P (: despite falling sick on the second day. the company was superb. i think that's why we're so awake when we're back at the hotel room rather than when we're out there walking :P 9P <3

and i feel blessed. with everything i have right now. remember the chapter many of your hate? its closed now. closed for good (: mylove says im happier. i think i am. bestest says i need to get used to the space. but i thought, there was never the space. i've been busy all the while. it was always who and what i chose to be busy with. and really, no one can tell you if you've grown up. you know it yourself.

and when i came back from genting, i caught the freaking stomach flu. OMG. i didnt know stomach flu can be so bad, so painful. i was rolling in bed for the longest time i can ever remember cos i didnt dare tell mummy and papa. i thought i was going to be alright after the first time i puked. but it didn't stop. i vomitted i diarrhoea-ed thru the night. the night before training camp. so i didn't sleep a wink. and i rolled in bed in pain when i wasnt in the toilet vomitting and diarrhoea-ing till 5am when i really couldn't take it anymore. woke my parents up and mummy thought it was gastric and made me drink milk. sometimes i think mummy is such a noob at such stuff hahahaha. and of cos as noob as her, i drank the milk and made all the vomitting start again. went to the hospital and i was too scared so i didnt want to take the jab to stop the pain. but the pills didnt help so i took the jab in the end. SO RELIEVED :)

as a result, i missed training camp ): only joined them on saturday night and the friendlies on sunday. i sucked on tuesday seriously. so easily tired and panting like hell. damnnn. and i kept ZERO goals. im so damn serious. but okay, yesterday was better (: nat champs are cominggggg. go nus go crooks ((((:

im so angry that red cliff ended halfway. BOOO. when's the next one coming out! so gaowei to watch halfway ): i watched mostly cos of tony leung! heehee. anyway mummy says he's finally getting married with carina lau. like really FINALLY. i like them tgt heehee. and i bought a gold watch when i was out with zp on weds for red cliff. mylove says WHY SO UNCLE. hey its vintage alright. hahaha.

and i bought a scarf too :DD when i was out with jas yesterday. met db during her lunch hour at v8. then shopped around and we had marvelous cream together (: the idea of marvelous cream is more marvelous than the ice cream itself. hahaha. i think i've been having too much diary products since i recovered. dragged mummy to royal copahagen for cheesecake on monday. where i bumped into ki jason jas and bf! then there was the jumbo tub of yoghurt with zp on weds and marvelous cream on thurs. sweet for my sweets :D

oh and dearest jaskip bought me my current addiction. MEN'S POCKY :) bitter chocolate rocks. but i dont get why they have to associate men with it. i bet they'll make some pinko strawberry pocky and call it Ladies' Pocky or something.
alrights, this is bloody long. cos i wanna keep myself busy, be good and not go out for the first day this week. hahaha today's friday omg i know im a horrible kid oh well. so that i can ask about the bangkok trip hahaha. that's why they say everything happens for a reason.

heehee.

#129.


the best thing that has ever to macs breakfast :)
my mcgriddles count = 3
i hope it stays on the menu for good.

kinda miss the pool. and of cos dear black crooks.
we're the 10 black crooks + the grandfather :D
fear us fear us!
we have just started the black crooks blog, which to my horror, is scandalising me like i've got no more reputation left.
and all that SPEW PCP that jan has been emphasizing. Speak Proper English Whilst Playing Canoe Polo.
makes me pretty happy despite all the studying.

exams are next week! just be relaxing. cos anyway, i can't beat the race against time.

i found out that the rashguards we've been wearing were from my aunt's shop! hahaha it's such a small world. and yeh, she's the coolest aunt ever. my windsurfer aunt! mebbe she can custom make us black crooks rashguards. ok, time to tell the crooks!

#127.

that day in the cinema,
alex: haha as if you'll be led on like that.
me: yea of course not.

but after that, i mentally went thru our convo again, mebbe i shouldnt have answered him that quickly. but okay, i know why he actually said that cos i've always been the clear headed one. who can go into something and get out of it fast enough without getting myself too involved and affected and much less, get hurt. and frankly, i've always thought that i was this sort of person.

because afterall, i decide who i want to be.

anyway, im glad we had that convo. even though it meant seemingly nothing but at least it reminded me that i might have failed being the person i wanna be. failure to a small extent.

and alright, im semi being sucked in again. if you get what i mean. but at the same time, there's someone pulling me back. its not a very direct pull but i guess the pull has always been there. all along. im not sure if it means anything. but anyhows. i insist that i like all the grey areas in my life, still (: just like before.

and im also glad that i was reminded of all the terrible days. i dunno why but i tend to usually think of the happier happenings. so its good to have something to trigger those bad thoughts once in a while. keeps you sane you know. you cant be happy all the time.

im so tired. canoe polo is finally getting to me. the commitment thing. its because im so ill-disciplined you see. and bestest just reminded me that uni is seriously the all-that-counts factor. and the previous week was disgusting cos i had so little sleep, merely because of a day's worth of tutorials. and when i have the luxury of time to sleep, i dont enjoy it. damn.

and today i was reminded that our first competition will stretch right to the start of exams. so if my not-very-impressive cap drops further i'll have no excuse to train so often anymore. so if there's no cap of 4.0 then i cant use the excuse that polo isnt affecting my studies anymore.

on a random note, i wanna watch maroon 5 in concert!