#116.

late nights are love.

late nights are bad.

haha ive always had a love-hate relationship with late nights.
because late nights are emo nights.

and like what huiwen tagged, i've been updating my blog for all the wrong reasons.
i guess when im happy, im so busy indulging in all that happiness. not that happy things arent blog worthy, but they tend to be etched deeply so those need not be blogged.

wow wow. good theory ah.

and so when i blog, i usually have overwhelmed emotions. like im feeling many many things at the same time. and of course, isnt this like the best time?

its the 28th of december. of 2007. and what a year. hahaha really really. what a year. moving on from hwachong. listening to army talk. thinking why people who have always cared about me suddenly becoming mean and decide not to care about me. (which is not true la i was just silly and being xhz as usual. i am angry at myself!) all the fun at work at pageone. suddenly no more pro-smu and going to nus. and of course, polo. canoe polo. and someone la duh like you dunno who. hahaha.

i just read one of huiwen's posts. she said someone asked her why she is always happy. ive had many people asking me that too. for years. im really that sunshine ar. hahaha. that's good? i think so la. except for the bouts of emo shits occasionally. o i suddenly remembered that time when i scared everyone in hc hahaha. and other than the 'happy' question, someone ever asked me have you ever felt sad. i could say a very firm no then okay. hahaha either because ive never felt that before, otherwise i felt it but i couldnt define it. anyway if its the latter, its a no too. its sad only if you define it as sad right. hahahaha. i think im getting incoherent.

yeah, but i cannot answer no anymore. and yingxia isnt that innocent xhz/xpy anymore too! hahaha. you know, i used to think the best protection for yourself is to not know so much. even if you do, try not to understand that much. i wont probe. because i like grey areas. im happy in all that little grey areas.

but well. i realised that's not the best protection anymore. as much as i wanna remain like how i used to be, i dont think i can. it'd be so pretentious la.

hearing so much from so many people, i was scared. and stunned. but i tried to understand. i think i understood. dumbo says funshine's strong. you say im understanding. they say im too nice. but i think its because i only care about things that are important to me. and because just when i felt that it can be something important to me and just when i decided to make it important, it just walked away. like suddenly.

haha and you know, i hate all the suddenlies in my life. like suddenly your best friend dont care about you that kinda thing and suddenly all the routine things just disappear.

suddenly is an effect with no cause.

its kinda like wtfffffff. you dunno the cause. it doesnt make sense. and the effect is thrown right into your face. GAOWEI.

but the consequences of suddenlies are eroded with time. 习惯就好。then you'd feel fine after awhile. get used to the new routine. and all's well again :D

so im glad (: really really. because if it was already something important and it goes away, it'd have been different.

and i only cry for things important to me. when the tears came, then i knew. years and months make a difference ar. susan says im crazy, crying about that and not this. like supa wrong occasion. HAHAHA. its because that is more important than this! YAY. i admire that. always (: even if that's not there.

have you ever felt it's wrong to be nice? it's a funny feeling. i know you all are worried about me. but im fine okayyy. i know what im doing. because i know and understand. kind of a nice mutual understanding and friendship. still (: like always. right from the beginning.

maybe your think im too gullible and too trusting la (your dearest datou is not that xhz anymore! (: ), but i dont think ive trusted wrongly. i keep asking the same old question over and over again, but actually i know what i wanna do (: despite everything.

because sometimes, everything felt like it has never happened before.

and i'll be there to listen.