#153.

here i am in my cosy little penguin igloo, hugging my purple elephant and having pop-pish christmas songs playing on my itunes. i moved the family's favourite adjustable wooden chair into the room and lined it with pillows so im so comfy now i can sleep in the chair tonight (:

this week has been sort of a stay-home week. i think i watched more tv than i've ever did for all the time this year before this week. i am nocturnal funshine on alternate days. but coffee at 9 oclock just now might change that fact.

i dunno why the christmas songs are sounding emo. im definitely not exactly emo. ok fine im emo. and appalled at how much i've changed this year. or rather, surprised at people's perspective of me. i dunno if theirs a changed perepective or it has always been like that. i wonder if i made myself out to be this fun loving, this letsjustplaydontcare mentality, this spontaneous about almost everything. i don't see anything bad about this, or whether im losing myself or changing for the better or the worse cos they don't matter to me. for the zillionth time, i really do not know what i want. but i know what i don't.

it appears that i've always been good at maintaining relationships with people. i believed so but i know i suck more and more at doing so. some people think it's difficult to keep a group of people together. hell no. it's possible. mebbe not easy but definitely not some uphill task. it's whether you want it or not. sometimes we promise to meet up and keep in touch but how often do we keep to those promises? some relationships are circumstantial. we've got to live with that. but not all friendships are like that. i've to admit that i am a terrible friend this year. im lazy. i ask myself why is it always me? why can't he do it? why isn't it her? you, you and you are part of this whole thing too. so i just let it slip by. there are even times when people put in the effort to organise something and i decline the invitation. not so often but it happened. when it never did last time. and i wonder whatever happened to me.

i need alot of MEtime. which i've failed to give myself for years. my days fly by with all my going outs, trng times, long phone calls, msn convos, darling sleeptime and of cos school, which i think i very much neglected until exam time. im glad i put familytime high high up all this while. mebbe except that period of time. my parents were how understanding i realised recently. the many family dinners i missed. they hardly said anything. except when ahma said why haven't i been at dinner for some time. i'll never let this happen again. and part of me cannot forgive myself for that. and perhaps this sets a whole new criteria for the non-existent you (:

fantamazing taiwan on monday. im sorry to say im not exactly very excited. i dunno why. mebbe im just not used to staying at home so much. my parents think it's weird to have me at home so much. my mummy complains that my temper's getting worse and worse and goes into her lecture on is staying at home that frustrating for you. it's not. just leave me to do my things. i sleep, i cook, i eat, i read, i watch. actually recently i've been having minimal communication with people. im really lazy to keep up. im almost giving up. it's gone if you don't try on your part.