#16. decisions

When i received my results slip for 'O's, i was totally blur. (didn't expect that we actually had to count the l1r5 ourselves). then a little surprised. followed by that little tinge of happiness. well. but after which, i thought to myself. this means im left with no other alternative but to stay. my past 2 months hasn't been great. seven-o is okae but i wasn't an enthusiast in the class. probably cos i place 4G and 9P above them. i hate my ct. to the core if i really must say it. never had i felt so much dislike for a teacher but yes, The One will always come. just a matter of sooner or later. im glad he appeared during my first 3 months and not my next 2 years. his fake smile every morning spoils the day. and not only i think it's fake, my classmates share the same sentiments and we all think he would be better off not smiling. nonetheless, a nice smile with those sparkling beautiful eyes from Mr. Eye Candy can still make my day:D dies. alright, shan't digress.

apart from my dear ct, the feeling i get in the school just isn't right. i dunno if im not suited for that place at all, or it's because i never really wanted to go there in the first place and so, there was this shroud of anti-feeling in me right from the start. but frankly, i tried to like the place, the class and the people. the result of my attempt? found great friends and joy in canoe, bits and pieces of fun in 70 especially with 4some, edmund, xun and a few others. that's about all. it all goes down to one thing. i can't open up myself to them. makes it even more difficult when i have 4G or 9P gatherings during the weekends. comparing this with that completely erodes what i deem as 'rather fun' in hc. the result of this erosion? hc is totally un-fun.

my JAE submission was 1. HCI (Science) 2. SAJC (Science). if i had a choice, i would invert my selections. talked to sebas on the way home that day. he's leaving for SA. 6 pointer, 9A1s. brillant perfect results. and i realised we feel the same way towards hc. the fact that i know im eventually going to study because everyone around me is doing so in hc turns me off. i want the kind of environment in 4g. we aren't exactly your typical smart or hardworking class. but we play and work hard together. so at the end of the day, everyone does well. that's how it should be. and probably that's why i miss 4G so much.

im gonna stay in hc. i know i have friends who are coming to join me. im most probably going to change combi which means meeting a whole new class. this should be the time i go to school and look at it from a brand new perspective. but some things don't change. i came back yesterday afternoon, feeling so sick of school. it's pathetic. never felt so terrible before. a simple typical damned schoolday can make you feel like this. i don't want my next 2 years to be spent this way. talked abit with my mum last night. i think she's giving me a choice now. i can fully understand how she feels. one part of her wants me to be in hc -- believing that a good studying environment is ideal for me but the other part of her don't want me to be unhappy. i dunno if she understands that it's not because of the past wonderful schooldays with 4g and 2d that's pulling me back but nonetheless, im still glad that she understands abit.

so now, i have a decision to make. and i really don't know how. will hc be a better place after 1st 3 months? is the place really that bad or it's just me? or should i just leave for sa? if they had given me a choice when Os results were released, i wouldn't even be thinking about this now. sa it is. but circumstances are different now. sighhhhs.

somebody save me.